In an alternative universe in another dimension the biggest band of the 80s wasn't a po-faced U2. It was actually Half Man Half Biscuit, lyrical geniuses and competent musicians from Birkenhead, who had no idea who Brian Eno was. Dubbing themselves "Four lads who shook the Wirral" (a peninsula between Wales and Liverpool), they in fact shook and changed the World with their ability for a well turned pun and surreal stories in song.
Of course, that alternative parallel universe where this all happened has a much bigger and better developed sense of humour than our own, where rock stars are expected to pontificate about starvation in Africa and appear in grainy posy videos. It is a world where Half Man Half Biscuit sway elections with songs like "National Shite Day" from their 2008 opus CSI:Ambleside, and where, as a direct consequence, life is not quite as shite as it is today.
Lyrics:
Pulling the ice axe from my leg
I staggered on, spindrift stinging my remaining eye
I finally managed to reach the station
Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down
After wondering to myself whether it should actually be called a train replacement service
I walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with
Probably by a junior employee
Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM
Involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle
Stockard Channing held sway
Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention
I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
i.e sidle out of the store gingerly
Embrace the margin
Fat kids with sausage rolls
Poor sods conducting polls
There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millet
I try to put everything into perspective
Set it against the scale of human suffering
And I thought of the Mugabe government
And the children of the Calcutta railways
This works for a while
But then I encounter Primark FM
Overhead a rainbow appears
In black and white
Shite Day
I guess this must be National
Shite Day
This surely must be National
Shite Day
Don’t tell me, it's National
Shite Day
Float… float on
Float… float on
Barry… Herpes
I got a letter from Stringy Bob
Still on suicide watch
Screws not happy
Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during association
Was roundly ignored
What news you
I felt sorry for him
He’d only been locked up for public nuisance offences
One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary
Found a dead wading bird
Took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool
With a note inside which read: “Is this your Sanderling?
Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press
“Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc.
Must be committed, no time wasters”
You can guess the rest
I always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills
To be found months later
His carcass stripped by homeless dogs
His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow
I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something dark
May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob
Shite Day
I do believe it's National
Shite Day
It all points to National
Shite Day
Someone's declared it National
Shite Day
Shite Day
My birthday! On National
Shite Day
No bogroll, it's National
Shite Day
Cue drumroll, it's National
Shite Day
The Fly
Revenge of Riff Raff
23rd of March, 2013
Of course, that alternative parallel universe where this all happened has a much bigger and better developed sense of humour than our own, where rock stars are expected to pontificate about starvation in Africa and appear in grainy posy videos. It is a world where Half Man Half Biscuit sway elections with songs like "National Shite Day" from their 2008 opus CSI:Ambleside, and where, as a direct consequence, life is not quite as shite as it is today.
Lyrics:
Pulling the ice axe from my leg
I staggered on, spindrift stinging my remaining eye
I finally managed to reach the station
Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down
After wondering to myself whether it should actually be called a train replacement service
I walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with
Probably by a junior employee
Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM
Involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle
Stockard Channing held sway
Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention
I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
i.e sidle out of the store gingerly
Embrace the margin
Fat kids with sausage rolls
Poor sods conducting polls
There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millet
I try to put everything into perspective
Set it against the scale of human suffering
And I thought of the Mugabe government
And the children of the Calcutta railways
This works for a while
But then I encounter Primark FM
Overhead a rainbow appears
In black and white
Shite Day
I guess this must be National
Shite Day
This surely must be National
Shite Day
Don’t tell me, it's National
Shite Day
Float… float on
Float… float on
Barry… Herpes
I got a letter from Stringy Bob
Still on suicide watch
Screws not happy
Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during association
Was roundly ignored
What news you
I felt sorry for him
He’d only been locked up for public nuisance offences
One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary
Found a dead wading bird
Took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool
With a note inside which read: “Is this your Sanderling?
Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press
“Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc.
Must be committed, no time wasters”
You can guess the rest
I always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills
To be found months later
His carcass stripped by homeless dogs
His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow
I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something dark
May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob
Shite Day
I do believe it's National
Shite Day
It all points to National
Shite Day
Someone's declared it National
Shite Day
Shite Day
My birthday! On National
Shite Day
No bogroll, it's National
Shite Day
Cue drumroll, it's National
Shite Day
The Fly
Revenge of Riff Raff
23rd of March, 2013
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